Hey lovely people so I didn’t realize it had been so long since I wrote “Broken Pt 1”. I’ve wanted to write part 2 for so long now. The biggest thing that stopped me was the fact that I had to reread part 1 to remember where I left off. Literally I wrote part 1 and never looked back, yes its the feeling I have inside, the feelings I can never forget. However reading my own feeling strikes emotions I can not fully control. Right before writing this I finally reread part 1, and of course broke down all over again. Usually when I cry I try not to make the kids sad or in a sense, I hide some of my feelings. Today I sat on the sofa crying, both my kids held me, that was the most comforting thing for me at that moment. I guess it’s also important for them to see mommy vulnerable, not always the strong women she makes herself out to be everyday. So here we go with explaining “broken part 2′!
Being “broken” is the only term I could think of to explain the immense amount of change and pain one lives with after losing a huge part of them, because in that sense when something that makes a person or thing “whole” is gone it’s now broken. For me being broken has taught me to live differently. The person I was before losing Kaiden will never be the person I am today. I will never look at life, people, love, or anything the same. I strive to be the best mom, wife, daughter and friend I can be, but even that takes time and is hard some days. However much like the picture above, even behind the brokenness a light can still shine!
For me personally being broken shows up for me in so many ways. When the kids get sick, or bruised like kids normally do, I freak out internally. Some days its hard to pull myself out of bed, even after a full nights rest (which is rare) because once I “broke” I started having the worst insomnia. It’s like my brain just doesn’t want to shut down, im all over the place with my thoughts. It’s so hard to focus on just one thing because im always thinking I need to be doing more to make up for my “slack” that only I see. My husband and kids feel as though I do so much, but because I know my own struggle to just do those simple things, I feel like im slacking. I’m more easily overwhelmed, and couldn’t understand why. Well I was traumatized when losing my son, that can’t be easy for anyone.
For so long after Kaiden passed I felt as though I didn’t deserve to ever be happy. Anytime I smiled or laughed I immediately regretted it. As if Kaiden was watching over me thinking “how could you ever be happy without me”. Knowing he wasn’t even that type of person it was purely, in a sense “survivors remorse”. He deserved to be here more than I did, he was so pure with so much of a bigger purpose than I have. Over time I learned that isn’t true, I too have a purpose, and if anything Kaiden was angry with me for living unhappy, lost and stressed everyday. That doesn’t change the fact that living with out him is super hard but it’s just a little reminder that I do have to LIVE!
𝓘𝓽’𝓼 𝓘𝓶𝓹𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓸 “𝓛𝓘𝓥𝓔”
There are still many times when those broken pieces affect me way more than others. I basically live with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. recently I was driving in the car with my family, mom included. everything was ok and then my husband mentioned something about administering a epi pen or something. The most random thing sparked the most unimaginable pain, out of no where I started bawling my eyes out, gripping my chest because the pain takes my breath away. Things like this happen from time to time and it IS ok. Kaiden never needed a epi pen but my brain heard administering and automatically the images of me giving him that last dose of meds before he passed away came flooding my head. Images that I try to push away try to run as far away from them as I can possibly can, but let’s be real you can’t run away from your own thoughts. They are engraved in my life and in my head. They make me who I am now.
Now I am and always was a loving person. A person a lot of people drift to for advice, compassion and insight. I can’t run away from that anymore, being broken is also being me. It makes me see things in a way a normal, unaffected, regularly happy person might not see things.
For anyone out there who feels “broken” just know IT IS OK!!!! you are not alone, and even through being broken we can still be stronger than our original selves!