Broken pt 1

I have realized this before, but it’s recently been brought back to my attention. I’m broken! When you have a child a big piece of your heart leaves your body. I was blessed three times with this experience and it’s amazing. However when you lose a child that part of your heart breaks. I lost my son 21 months ago, yet still to this day I have to brace myself to make it through each day. Kaiden (waffles) was the ultimate mama’s boy and honestly I was just as attached. Being his mom was different then being Kimani or Kamden’s mom. I never believe in loving one child more than the other, but the connection I had with Kaiden was different. I’m sure most of that came from the fear of living everyday knowing cancer is in your child’s body and no matter how hard you try it doesn’t leave for very long. I breastfed Kaiden longer then I would’ve ever imagined but when he would receive chemo and not want to eat or drink he always nursed because that was his comfort. I was his comfort and him being connected to me was mine. It allowed him to stay out of the hospital because of dehydration and sickness and I could feel like I was helping him in the best way. Then his big surgery came along, he was 3 years old and with the push of everyone else I felt like he needed to be weaned. It was a completely new thing for us, but that never stopped Kaiden from wanting mommy’s cuddles, hugs, and warmth. I cherished the fact that I could bring him comfort. So back to what I was saying about being HIS mom, it had so many more demands. I NEVER went a night without him and it felt overwhelming some times but he would hug me and all of that would go away. Kaiden had the brightest eyes and biggest smile, he could light up any room he entered. No matter how many surgeries, horrible chemo’s, radiation or any other hard thing he faced HE ALWAYS SMILED.

 

love

Well, that smiled started to fade during his last relapse. He tried so hard to have times where he would push through, because that’s just who he was, But yet I still saw those days coming less and less. This was the start to the braking of my spirit. It was always hard to push through and be strong knowing I feared everyday for his life but that smile gave me all the push I needed. How can that fade away? I couldn’t understand how was I sitting by allowing my son to fade away, but I tried everything. Not sleeping for days on in doing research to try to find some cure. Nothing worked, was this just our destiny? Then comes the day where my husband and I break down and beg God ” If your plan is for him to go eventually please don’t make him suffer any longer”! I cry as I write these words because it took everything in my power to ask that. I couldn’t imagine how I could live without him but I couldn’t be selfish anymore. My baby was in pain everyday, not eating anymore, barely drinking and barely staying awake throughout the day. This is not who Kaiden was, he was tired and I had to except that. Well, a few weeks later Kaiden wanted us to go to great wolf lodge, we went knowing he wouldn’t do much but had high hopes that it would brighten his spirit a little more. He always loved the water, he would stay in for hours, but when we went he slept the whole time and even refused to put his feet in the water. We left for one morning to take Kamden to get his 2 month shots, then we would head back to great wolf. We got in the car after the appointment and Kaiden was wiggling his tooth, it was his first loose tooth and it was almost ready to come out. I’m so squeamish of teeth so I say“ are you trying to freak mommy out (giggling)” but he doesn’t respond. I ask again but have this very strong feeling in my gut that something is not right. He still doesn’t respond. I ask my husband to pull over, freaking out but trying to stay as calm as possible because Kimani is sitting right next to him looking scared out of her mind. She loves like I do and shows all emotion. My husband said “ Kaiden can you answer mommy so she can calm down” even in his voice you sense worry. He pulls over where I jump to the back, Kaiden is with us but not with us at the same time. His eyes are open but he’s looking straight through us, we jump on the phone calling his doctors. Lost confused and scared, I administer this medicine thats supposed to help with seizures. Which is what they suspect is going on. I’m holding him in my arms crying but talking to him trying to get him to respond. My husbands driving us to the hospital and it feels like he’s going so slow. I now realize he wasn’t I just felt like we couldn’t get there any faster. When we get to the hospital I have a great friend come and get Kimani because I don’t want her to completely loose it like I am inside. Kaiden never woke up again, he stayed in that zoned out space for a few hours, we had our friend bring Ki back because it wasn’t looking well, and she would’ve never forgiven us if she wasn’t allowed to say bye to her brother. The doctors had started getting us ready to be registered so he could stay in the hospital until either he passed or woke back up. Kaiden had other plans, maybe he didn’t want to be stuck anymore but we never made it to his room. He passed right in my arms where me and my husband cried our eyes out telling our 5-year-old “it is ok to let go”. When Kaiden’s spirit left his body I felt this huge pressure go through my chest. I can’t explain it any better. That was when I broke!

mybaby

 

9 thoughts on “Broken pt 1

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  1. Omg I can remember that day like it was yesterday😢. I felt so lost that day. It was raining here in GA when you called to say something was wrong and it didn’t look good. I remember being stuck in the middle of the intersection and hearing you say mommy I need you and all I could do was look around me and realize I couldn’t even get out from the middle of the street. That was so painful for me to endure knowing my daughter was in pain and I couldn’t fix her. The worst feeling in the world is not being able to save your child

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    1. I’m sooo sorry that you had to experience this. Me being a mother too I can definitely understand your anguish and pain. I couldn’t pass this blog up without saying something. It’s ok to question God and ask him why, because we allow our children to ask us why to get a better understanding of things that they don’t understand. Him being our heavenly father we are allowed to do the same. So I just wanted to leave with a little comfort and hope. I completely understand being broken because you did lose a part of you a part of your family. But know that God hasn’t abandoned you or doesn’t see your suffering and pain. Know that he hates that death is a part of life and that he will eventually change this because it was never his plan for us to have to go through these heart wrenching situations. At 1Cor 10:13 he says I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear but along with it I will make a way out. So although he doesn’t cause suffering he allows it. And he makes a way out for us to endure whatever terrible thing has happened because he care. And we can look forward to future promise at Revelation 21:4 where God promise that he will wipe out tears and pain and deaths will be no more. I hope that these help you. And I appreciate you for sharing such intimate details of your life. I wish you much success and healing!!

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      1. you are so right, we liv to eventually pass. Its all a part of life, it just sucks when a child doesn’t get to live a full life. We miss him everyday it physically hurts at times with how much we miss him, however i do recognize that him staying would’ve been him suffering and i would never want him in pain again!

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  2. I’ve followed Prince Kaiden on Instagram for a while, and loved to see the pics of him and Kimani. I saw how strong he was and he would always bring a smile to my face. It broke my heart when he passed, and I can’t imagine being in your shoes. One thing really shines through, he definitely came from a really strong family, it’s where he got his warrior spirit.

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    1. Hi so sorry for the late response, thank you we definitely learned how to be strong through him. It was a blessing to be his mom and watch first hand how amazing he was. i really appreciate you following and keeping up with him and now with us!

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  3. Pingback: Broken Pt 2
  4. Omg he was the reason I logged in. I prayed for him and your family bc you could see the genuine love. Rereading the whole pt. 1&2 just broke me down like I felt all of your pain as a mother. You still have followers and I for one still love your family. Thank you for this. Please continue to update us. He’s still here right in all of y’all. We care about how y’all are doing. ❤️

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