I have realized this before, but it’s recently been brought back to my attention. I’m broken! When you have a child a big piece of your heart leaves your body. I was blessed three times with this experience and it’s amazing. However when you lose a child that part of your heart breaks. I lost my son 21 months ago, yet still to this day I have to brace myself to make it through each day. Kaiden (waffles) was the ultimate mama’s boy and honestly I was just as attached. Being his mom was different then being Kimani or Kamden’s mom. I never believe in loving one child more than the other, but the connection I had with Kaiden was different. I’m sure most of that came from the fear of living everyday knowing cancer is in your child’s body and no matter how hard you try it doesn’t leave for very long. I breastfed Kaiden longer then I would’ve ever imagined but when he would receive chemo and not want to eat or drink he always nursed because that was his comfort. I was his comfort and him being connected to me was mine. It allowed him to stay out of the hospital because of dehydration and sickness and I could feel like I was helping him in the best way. Then his big surgery came along, he was 3 years old and with the push of everyone else I felt like he needed to be weaned. It was a completely new thing for us, but that never stopped Kaiden from wanting mommy’s cuddles, hugs, and warmth. I cherished the fact that I could bring him comfort. So back to what I was saying about being HIS mom, it had so many more demands. I NEVER went a night without him and it felt overwhelming some times but he would hug me and all of that would go away. Kaiden had the brightest eyes and biggest smile, he could light up any room he entered. No matter how many surgeries, horrible chemo’s, radiation or any other hard thing he faced HE ALWAYS SMILED.
Well, that smiled started to fade during his last relapse. He tried so hard to have times where he would push through, because that’s just who he was, But yet I still saw those days coming less and less. This was the start to the braking of my spirit. It was always hard to push through and be strong knowing I feared everyday for his life but that smile gave me all the push I needed. How can that fade away? I couldn’t understand how was I sitting by allowing my son to fade away, but I tried everything. Not sleeping for days on in doing research to try to find some cure. Nothing worked, was this just our destiny? Then comes the day where my husband and I break down and beg God ” If your plan is for him to go eventually please don’t make him suffer any longer”! I cry as I write these words because it took everything in my power to ask that. I couldn’t imagine how I could live without him but I couldn’t be selfish anymore. My baby was in pain everyday, not eating anymore, barely drinking and barely staying awake throughout the day. This is not who Kaiden was, he was tired and I had to except that. Well, a few weeks later Kaiden wanted us to go to great wolf lodge, we went knowing he wouldn’t do much but had high hopes that it would brighten his spirit a little more. He always loved the water, he would stay in for hours, but when we went he slept the whole time and even refused to put his feet in the water. We left for one morning to take Kamden to get his 2 month shots, then we would head back to great wolf. We got in the car after the appointment and Kaiden was wiggling his tooth, it was his first loose tooth and it was almost ready to come out. I’m so squeamish of teeth so I say“ are you trying to freak mommy out (giggling)” but he doesn’t respond. I ask again but have this very strong feeling in my gut that something is not right. He still doesn’t respond. I ask my husband to pull over, freaking out but trying to stay as calm as possible because Kimani is sitting right next to him looking scared out of her mind. She loves like I do and shows all emotion. My husband said “ Kaiden can you answer mommy so she can calm down” even in his voice you sense worry. He pulls over where I jump to the back, Kaiden is with us but not with us at the same time. His eyes are open but he’s looking straight through us, we jump on the phone calling his doctors. Lost confused and scared, I administer this medicine thats supposed to help with seizures. Which is what they suspect is going on. I’m holding him in my arms crying but talking to him trying to get him to respond. My husbands driving us to the hospital and it feels like he’s going so slow. I now realize he wasn’t I just felt like we couldn’t get there any faster. When we get to the hospital I have a great friend come and get Kimani because I don’t want her to completely loose it like I am inside. Kaiden never woke up again, he stayed in that zoned out space for a few hours, we had our friend bring Ki back because it wasn’t looking well, and she would’ve never forgiven us if she wasn’t allowed to say bye to her brother. The doctors had started getting us ready to be registered so he could stay in the hospital until either he passed or woke back up. Kaiden had other plans, maybe he didn’t want to be stuck anymore but we never made it to his room. He passed right in my arms where me and my husband cried our eyes out telling our 5-year-old “it is ok to let go”. When Kaiden’s spirit left his body I felt this huge pressure go through my chest. I can’t explain it any better. That was when I broke!